


Self Saving

by Crystal_MaryCeleste



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural Novels - Various
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anger, Drug Use, Drug-Induced Sex, Fighting, Heroin, M/M, Oral Sex, Sex, Smut, Triggers, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 08:02:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3021257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crystal_MaryCeleste/pseuds/Crystal_MaryCeleste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a year since Sam has been in hell and Cas lost his grace. Castiel and Dean are in a relationship and living together. Dean deals with Sam by playing a dangerous game. Castiel tries to get Dean to straighten up while trying to find a way for Sams return.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dealing Both Ways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first fanfic. Please leave feedback!  
> Hopefully I'll be posting a new chapter every other day until it ends!

Well, the clock says it's time to close now

I guess I'd better go now

I'd really like to stay here all night

The cars crawl past all stuffed with eyes

Street lights share their hollow glow

Your brain seems bruised with numb surprise

Still one place to go

-Soul Kitchen; The Doors

 

* * *

 

The cigarette smoke filled the room as Dean lit it with the one had available to him. His other arm underneath Castiels’ neck. Both men in their boxers, both men with tousled hair and both men underneath the sheets of a mattress on the ground in the middle of an apartment room.  The fumes assaulted the former angels’ lungs, slowly waking up with eyes groggy he checked the analog clock on the floor beaming red with its straight numbers, 6:23.

“Dean”, Cas moaned in a dry voice, “Did you have to smoke right next to me?”

“I didn’t want to wake you up by moving my arm.” Dean whispered taking a long drag of his cigarette and blowing the smoke to the opposite side of where Castiel was. “Go back to sleep, it’s early.” Dean spoke taking his arm out under from Castiels neck slowly getting out from under the sheets and off the bed as carefully as possible not to drop the cigarette or the ashes.

“I’d rather you wake me up than drag me down with you.” Cas said tossing to his other side to watch Dean get up, “Where are you going?”

“To go get a glass.” He smiled out with the cigarette in the corner of his mouth. His socks slid across the smooth hardwood floors as he passed through the hallway ignoring the existing but very few photos of Sam and him he knew he was going to have to pass. He walked into the kitchen putting out his cigarette on the island, wiping off the ashes of it with his arm and throwing it into beer bottle in the middle of the island that was already almost filled with the previous “filth”. He itched at his arm where his ‘Mark of Cain’ should have been but was replaced with a thin scar, a brutal reminder of his past that Sam gave his time on earth so that Dean would be done killing. He opened up the refrigerator that was almost empty with the exception of a few cases of beers an open carton of milk and a jug of water and two boxes of unfinished pizzas. He stared at the light of the fridge in the blue tinge of morning through the window. His hand hovered over the empty spaces of the fridge, over the water and onto the beer. The bottles clinked together as he picked one up, the bottle made a hiss noise as he opened it with his platinum ring that was placed on his ring finger on his right hand, same as Castiel. Dean quietly took the bottle cap in his fist and threw it in the trash on top of the rest of the garbage.

“That doesn’t sound like a glass of water to me, Dean.” Cas shouted hoarsely from the end of the hallway.

“Oh, it is, Cas” he sighed as he swallowed down the bottle, “it’s basically water to me at this point.” Dean mumbled to himself walking towards the couch to sit himself down. He eventually downed the rest of the bottle and fell asleep. He awoke with the stale stench of beer and halitosis from his mouth, drool from the end the cigarette previously hung from. The bright sun shone into his eyes, the bright green orbs opened widely as he shot up from the couch and looked for the nearest clock, 9:43.

“Fuck.” Dean shouted as he ran to their room picking up a pair of blue jeans that had caked dirt at the hem and ripped threads at the knees. Threw on a wrinkled black v-neck and a blue and green plaid shirt and worn and scuffed brown leather boots. Without even brushing his teeth he picked up his keys from the kitchen counter about to run out the door when he sees out of the corner of his eye next to the cigarette bottle on the island a piece of paper with sharpie reading “It’s okay Dean, I can walk. See you tonight, I’ll order Chinese, love you.”

“Son of a bitch! Cas.” He yelled at himself rubbing his eyes. Dean didn’t have time to worry. He slammed the door of 6C running down the stairs of the apartment building avoiding holding onto the paint chipped railing. He walked out keys jingling one finger as the rusty edge of door to the impala opened. He jammed the key into the ignition and started to back up. He got there and as always the giant worn down, bent sign of “ Valley Repairs “ was on the fence of the lot full of cars new, old, beat up and rusted, shined and waxed. He pulled in and got out walking into the office.

“Where the fuck have you been Sleeping Beauty?” Alex shouted as Dean walked into the back into the office into the garage ignoring him. Alex was a slim man covered in army tattoos, salt and pepper long thin hair going to his shoulders to match his thin black coarse beard. He often wore shirts with pin-up women on them and too many rings for a mechanic. He was also Dean’s boss.

“A better question would be where the hell is everyone else, why am I the only one in the garage? “ Dean spat eyeing up the 72 Chevy Malibu on the car lift.

“I gave everyone the day off so your slack off ass will learn how to work harder. Bumper needs to be fixed by tonight, have fun.” Dean bit his tongue and got to work, he couldn’t afford to get fired.

Cas was busy waiting tables at the diner the town over. His feet ached from walking the 3 miles, his brown hair unkempt, wearing a black polo shirt with beige khakis and a grey apron, his body hurting from running from table to table holding trays of food.

“Excuse me,” Castiel heard a harsh woman’s voice from behind him and turned around, “I can’t eat this, I ordered a veggie burger not this animal carcass.”

“Of course..” Cas shook his head slightly giving the woman a quick stiff smile and a quick glance at her unhappy husband before turning around when all of a sudden he knocks into a teenage boy dropping the food over him, the pudgy short blonde haired kid begins to yell blasphemy as the people who seemed to be his friends began to laugh.

He got up and read the nametag, “I’m telling your manager, Castle!” The boy couldn’t even pronounce his name right.

“Please don’t, I assure you that’s not necessary. It was an accident.” He panicked and looked around to make sure he didn’t attract attention. Cas took out a coupon and handed it to the boy.

“A free meal, huh?” He scoffed and looked back at his friends trying to keep up his act. “Make it two and you’re a free man, Castle.”

“Castiel.” He said under his breath taking out another coupon with a sigh of relief handing it to the thick fingered boy. He eventually got back to the woman with her veggie burger. It was 7:30 when he left his shift ended. He walked outside and tried calling Dean several times, no answer. He had to walk back home again. He used the time to walk home to order Chinese food so by the time he got back home it would be there.

9:10 Cas had finished his food and he was laying on the couch watching TV as Dean’s food got cold on the kitchen counter and all of a sudden the door opens.

“It’s me Cas, I’m really sorry about everything today.” He says as he lays his leather jacket on the kitchen counter as he picks up his Chinese food and walks to the living room with a big smile on his face looking like he’s about to tell Cas the secrets of the world. Dean dug his fork into the container of his cold pork fried rice and eats.

Cas furrowed his brow at Dean, at how happy he looks. “Why were you so late today?”

“Boss made me work late today, had to repair a whole bumper of a 72’. I’m really sorry.” He giggled sitting down next to Cas as he continued to eat his rice.

“Why are you so happy?” Castiel asked, reminding himself to stop being so tense.

“I missed you, that’s why. I can’t miss you Cas?” Dean asked putting his rice down on the coffee table.

“I suppose you can..” Castiel beamed, becoming attracted to Dean’s happiness which made him less tense.

Dean leaned into cas and took his t-shirt into his fists pressing his lips onto Castiels. “I missed you so much.” Everything that went wrong that day for Castiel that day melted away and he leaned into the kiss.

“I feel the same way, Dean.” He took Deans hands from off his collar and began to take his shirt off as Dean did the same. Dean was now on top of Castiel, his lips trailing all over Cas’ face, neck and chest.

“I thought about tonight ever since I walked out this morning.” ‘This morning.’ Cas thought. He slightly pushed Dean away.

“By the way Dean, please don’t drink too much, especially in the morning.” Dean frowned for moment he had felt bad for doing that to Cas, drinking not taking him to work.

“It won’t happen again” Dean promised as he began to undo Cas’ belt and unzip his zipper. Castiel was already hard, Dean could feel him through his jeans. Dean grinned and chuckled at Cas, making sure that Cas saw his face. He stood up and took off his pants and dragged off Castiels’ pants and boxers leaving him bare on the couch.

“Dear God.” Cas groaned as Deans head started to go up and down. Deep breaths began to be heard from both. Dean began to bob up and down faster and started to use his hands feeling the warmth build up, “Dean.. I’m-I’m gonna..” he moaned letting his words drift off.

“Cum for me Cas’. Please cum.” Dean bit his lip. He was just using his hands now. A warmth ripped through Castiels stomach as he began to shoot cum all over his chest and Dean’s chest. They laid there for a moment, heaving in the excitement. He crawled back up to Cas’ face, bodies sticky with sweat and cum. Their lips touched for a moment and parted, looking into each other’s eyes then delving back into a deeper kiss. Like Cas’ lips were air and Dean needed to breathe, oh how badly he needed to breathe.

They fell asleep all too quick, Dean not even finishing his food, the TV left on. Cas woke up to the muffled sound of Dean calling his name. It was still dark out, he slowly got up and put on his boxers that were next to the couch. He walked through the hallway feeling a bit out of place, the pictures of Sam were turned over. Again, “Casssss.” A moan from the bathroom.

 He pressed his ear to the bathroom door, silence. He turned the doorknob trying not to make a sound and began to open the door. It was dim and the sight made him weak.

“Cas.” Dean looked up and said in a watered out way. There were several empty beer bottles lined up against the toilet, with it the smell of sour was invited into the air. There was Dean sitting up against the bathtub with his belt loosed against his arm, a couple of needles, a spoon, his hunting zippo lighter and small empty bags. “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again….” Dean slurred, “I promise.” He spoke slowly, his head to the side. Castiel had to step out of the bathroom for a moment before he himself passed out.

“Why Dean?..” He shook his head and felt his face begin to heat up, “I thought you were over this.”

“I’m sorry .” again. It seemed to be the only thing he knew how to say.

“Sorry? You’re sorry?! Dean, do you know how many times I've had to deal with this shit? Your shit? I've had enough. I’m done saving you Dean, I’m sorry for you that you can’t save yourself.” Saying it burned his tongue, he knew he didn't mean it, he loved Dean. He stood over the seemingly helpless man, mind sloshed from what happened before; a few months ago. Having to deal with Deans addition and take him to the hospital. He thought Dean would have been clean by now but apparently not.

“Do you know..” Dean began, “Do you know how hard it is to deal, Cas? To deal with the fact that my brother is in that pit of who fucking knows what for what, its been a year so 120 years, Cas’ and we still haven’t figured out how to get him back without any of us dying.. and-and Crowley won’t show himself!” he slurred

Cas didn’t know how to feel. “I don’t think you understand how hard it is to live without my grace. Have you ever thought about me Dean? How difficult it is for me to get adjusted to human life, it’s terrible Dean, dealing with people everyday.”

“This isn't about you Cas, its about Sam! It’s about Sam, my fucking brother!” Dean shouted. Cas took one of Deans beer bottles, it wasn’t finished.  He walked out, closing the door and smashed it against the hallway wall.

Dean laid down on the cold hard bathroom floor, his arm supporting his head, trying not to tear up.“I’m so sorry Cas. I want to be better for you.” Dean takes a dry heave, blood dripping from his mouth as he coughs it up onto the floor.

"I promised."


	2. An interesting visitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel and Dean get a surprise visit from someone they never expected to see again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its a bit shorter than usual hopefully the third chapter will be better.  
> Enjoy!  
> Leave feedback please!

The scream of the ambulance is sounding in my ears

Tell me, Sister Morphine, how long have I been lying here?

What am I doing in this place?

Why does the doctor have no face?

Oh, I can't crawl across the floor

Ah, can't you see, Sister Morphine, I'm trying to score

Sister Morphine;The Rolling Stones

* * *

 

 “Mr. Winchester? Are you awake?”  The woman’s voice came fused into a dream he was having, more of a nightmare like when reality enters into your dream right before you wake up.

Before Dean could even open his eyes he knew where he was, the atmosphere was the most different out of any place anyone could be. The smell was evident as ever, ‘cleanliness and death, my favorite.’ He thought to himself with a chuckle as he opened his swollen eyes. The first thing he noticed wasn’t the nurse but the ton of needles poked and stuck into him. “Where am I?” He sat up slumped over.

“The first floor of Lawrence Memorial Hospital. I’m Janice, your nurse.” The nurse replied. She wore the classic blue scrub and fabric face mask her brown hair up in a ponytail. “You almost died of an overdose but your… mm? Friend. Your friend hurried you over here. He seemed pretty angry about it though. It’s good to see that you’re alive and well and that’s most important, right?” She took her mask off, it was hanging off her ears but below her chin, and gave him a smile standing near the bed checking to see that everything that he was hooked up to was working.

“Cas.” He breathed. ”How long have I been out?” Dean asked, adjusting his bed and downing the bottle of water that was next to him, coughing after the sips.

Janice took the board in front of his bed and examined it, “About a day and a half you’ve been out.” She chewed her lip watching Dean, he looked nervous which made her nervous.

“I need to go. I have a job and-and I just need to get out of here” Dean said frantically about to rip all the needles and tubes on him to try and get up.

“Your friend called you out. I’m afraid I can’t let you Mr. Winchester. Your body isn’t proved stable enough for you to be able to be signed out, your withdrawals might be lethal.” She furrowed her brows at Dean looking frustrated and put her hand on his shoulder.

He needed to find a way out, “I understand. Thanks for uh.. Really caring. Got a great staff around here. You know, I was born here?” He flashed the nurse a half genuine smile.

“Really?” She smirked and gave a chuckle.

“Yep, January 24, 1979. Who knows, maybe it was this exact hospital bed.” The thought amused Dean but it wasn’t a lie. 

“How sweet. Hey look sugar,” She stood in front of his hospital bed “I’m going to go get you some lunch, you just stay put.” And with that she was out the door. As soon as Dean heard the click of the door he carefully tore off the needles and tubes that were on him, scanned for his clothes which was under his nightstand and took them and putting them on. He walked into the bathroom checking himself in the mirror. His skin was pale, eyes swollen, scruff he needed to shave. Definitely not in his best condition. The nurses’ voice sounded close as he heard her talking to someone outside. Dean quickly clicked open the window in the bathroom and stood on the toilet for leverage. He pushed himself up and out closing the window behind him. He could hear the nurse yelling from the inside of the room to one of the doctors. He ran towards the bus stop checking himself for money and a phone but found neither, his last resort was to start walking. Maybe running was a better in his case.

Castiel felt bad for putting Dean in the hospital again but it _was_ better than leaving him in the bathroom to die. The doctor told him it would be in for a week which was enough time for Castiel to summon Crowley to try and make a deal with him to bring back Sam and stop Dean's addiction, just like Dean did for Sam and Sam then did for Dean. After all family would die for each other. Work wasn’t so bad that day. No wrong orders, no bratty little kids and best of all no drunk or high Dean. Perks of Dean being gone for the week was the fact that Castiel didn’t have to walk the three miles to walk to work, he drove the Impala.

Getting to the apartment Dean began to become worried that Cas might have kicked him out, done something with the Impala from its absence in the parking lot. He walked up to the front door and checked his pockets again when he remembered that he had a hidden pocket in his jacket. His keys were there. He pulled them out and took in a deep breath as he slid the key into the lock and then breathed out when it turned. He slowly opened the door even though he knew Cas wouldn’t be home for another hour. First the kitchen, the bottle of cigarettes gone. He checked the fridge, no beer but just a Styrofoam box of unfinished, what he supposed was diner food and an unopened carton of milk. Then to the living room, nothing’s changed. He saw pieces of dried out rice on the floor and table. Castiel probably hasn’t cleaned up since the night.  He walked through the hallway noticing that the pictures of Sam were back in place and the beer stain on the wall was all dried into the wall. Dean flinched as he walked up to the bathroom. He remembered how warm and fuzzy everything felt that night but how miserable he felt about what he said to Cas. If he could only take back everything that happened that night. He opened up the bathroom door and his eyes first moved over to the toilet, no bottles. Of course. Everything from that night gone except the blood stains in the middle of the tiles. “I guess Cas didn’t try his hardest.” Dean whispered to himself feeling numb at the sight. He was in that corner a few days ago on the verge of death. ‘ I was better off dying’ he thought to himself. He walked through to the door of their bedroom. Nothing changed except now there was a rug in front of the bed in the room. Dean furrowed his brows at the carpet until he noticed a bowl with sigils drawn beneath it with candles. “Trying to summon Crowley, hm? Like it’s worked before.” Dean scoffed. He lifted up the rug with his boot, a demon trap. “Of course.”

 

 Dean heard the door unlock, “Shit, shit, shit.” No use in hiding. He walked out to the hallway and into the doorway of the kitchen.

“What are you doing here?” He dropped his bag of groceries on the tabletop, “You weren’t supposed to be here for another week, why are you here?” His voice sounded hostile.

“I missed you.” Dean said sheepishly, his arms open wide. Cas turned around facing the door, his hands on his face as if he were praying.

“What am I going to do with you? You were supposed to _recover_ Dean.”

“Fully healed up and about, don’t I look it?” He joked. It was no use calling the hospital back, he knew Dean would find a way out sooner or later. He went to go sit down on the couch.

“Besides, what were you doing? Trying to contact Crowley?  You know that doesn’t work, we’ve tried it.” Dean stood in front of the coffee table in the living room, arms crossed. “Is there something I’m missing? Something you haven’t told me?”

“Dean, I was just trying to see if it might work again.. Its always worth another try.” Cas stood up and moved to behind the couch.

Dean knew Cas knew something he didn’t. “Tell me you son of a bitch!” He ran up to the couch about to grab Cas by his black polo shirt when Dean realized. He realized Cas was going to deal his life for Sam’s. He knelt on the couch facing Cas. “I just want Sam back, Cas.”

“I know, Dean. I’m sorry..” He put his hand on Deans shoulder.  

“I want to try it one last time to make sure.” Dean says walking to their room to get the ingredients. He comes out to face Cas, drunk and his nose bleeding.

“What the hell happened to you Cas?!” He starts walking backwards into the bedroom again.

“Dean, Dean, its not going to work. You don’t know the incantation that I know?” He wiped the blood from his nose looking at the blood on the back of his hand.

“What the hell’s gotten into you, Cas?” Dean took ahold of Cas’ shoulders and shook him.

“Hello boys!” A familiar voice from behind them appeared.

“Gabriel, you’re alive?” Dean shouted at the apparently alive trickster.

“Surprise!”

 

 


	3. Road to Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean helps Castiel slowly get over his addiction as Gabriel gives hints as to how the two can get back team free will together.

When logic and proportion have fallen softly dead

And the white knight is talking backwards

And the red queen's off with her head

Remember what the door mouse said

Keep your head

White Rabbit; Jefferson Airplane

* * *

 

“Alive and in the flesh, Deano.” Gabriel said holding out his arms to exaggerate his entrance.

“Gabriel!” Cas cried walking towards him in a zombie like fashion trying to hug him as Gabriel stops him with one hand on his chest. “It’s so nice to see you again!”

“Did you know about this Cas?!” Dean asked Castiel worriedly, grabbing one of Cas’ arms from behind and pulling him next to himself.

“Maybe..mm” Cas replied wiping his eyes with the hand that wasn’t in Deans.

“What did you do to him?!” Dean stormed pushing Castiel behind him.

“Oh, I just gave you a taste of your own medicine. He’ll be fine in a few days.. week.. maybe a month. Let’s see how I’m feeling.” Gabriel walked up closer to Dean and put an arm on Castiels’ shoulder and faced Dean, “He really cares about you, you know?” He offered. Gabriel proceeded to walk out the bedroom door and to wherever else he ‘poofed’ off to.

“Fuck. Well this is just fucking beautiful.” Dean moaned. He turned to Cas, “How are you feelin’, Cas?”

“Tired.. Warm inside. What is this feeling? Why is my nose bleeding?” Cas furrowed his brow giving dean puppy eyes and wiped his nose again.

“It’s the.. The heroin. Hell. It’s like you’ve been doing it for years.” Dean sighed upsettingly. He helped Castiel change into something more comfortable. He bent down near the bed as Cas sat crosslegged on it, the sheets all messed to the point the dirty beat up bed was partially shown save the blanket. Dean slipped his sweater onto Castiel and then undid his belt sliding his pants off leaving his boxers on him.

“I love you Dean..” Castiel sighed.

“I know.” Castiel held on to Deans neck and dragged him down onto the bed and began to nip on his neck, then his lips.

“Cas..” Dean groaned struggling to get up off the bed as Castiel has his arms locked around his neck. He gave up, falling into the waves of sheets they were wrapped around eventually falling asleep holding on to each other. Dean woke up to the feeling of chill and emptiness next to him. He took a moment stretching out, the second he took felt like a year as the feeling of worry washed over him when he remembered that Cas was hooked on one of the worst drugs in existence. He jolted up and ran into the the hallway and first ran into the bathroom, not there. He ran to the living room, no there. He then ran to the kitchen and surely enough he was there, sleeping on the counter with a small bag found in front of him.

“Cas?! Cas?! Are you up? Wake up!” Dean lifted up Cas’ head with his fist in his hair lightly slapping him on the cheek.  The sight of the bag made Dean crave the drug but he had to be the stronger other.

Cas took his time opening his eyes and smacked his lips together adjusting his jaw, “I found a bag in my pocket, Dean. I couldn’t help myself.”

“It’s okay” He held Cas’ face in his hands, “We’ll get through this together.” A million thoughts ran through Dean’s head about what was going to happen in the time during Cas was having his addiction. They both had jobs and Dean couldn’t constantly babysit Cas but the most he could do is call Cas out from work and keep him out for the time being, maybe it would be best If he stayed home with him. And that what Dean did. For two days Dean and Cas stayed in the apartment besides the occasional cigarette outing and beer run. Cas was in the bedroom and Dean was in the living room when all of a sudden dean heard a piercing scream come from the bedroom, he got up and ran to the bedroom as fast as he could.

“Cas?! Cas what’s wrong what’s happening?!” Dean knew, he knew what was happening but never knew how to help. Withdrawals were something he had experienced but he would just painfully let them pass. No medicine. No hospitals.

“I’m scared Dean.” Cas was shivering like he had frostbite. Dean put his ear to Cas’ heart and heard it beating 10x faster than normal. He was scared for Castiel.

“It’s okay Cas, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. What’d I tell you? We’ll fight this together.” He was on the verge of tears but trying to stay strong for Castiel.

“Dean please help.” Castiel groaned clutching on to his stomach.

“I’m sorry baby, you gotta wait this one out, and after this I promise you’ll be better.” He whispered into Cas’ ear and brushing his fingers into his brown soft hair. “Gabriel where the fuck are you? You sick bastard!” Dean shouted hoping to get some sort of response hoping that he was there. To his surprise there he was just like a few days ago walked in.

“Now you know how it is taking care of your ass.” Gabriel chuckled, “Sorry but it looks like you’re going to sit this one in.”

“I get it you son of a bitch! He’s in pain, can’t you stop this? Snap your fingers and make it go away. He doesn’t deserve this, I’m the one who fucked up not him.” Gabriel sighed and shrugged.

“Deeean, help Please. Please.” Cas whined in pain in the corner.

“Word around the bend says that your little brother has been stuck in hell for a while and one of you idiots are trying to deal his way out.” He said slyly and folded his arms.

“Hello?! He’s currently going through a withdrawl!!!” Dean gestured over to Castiel aching in pain in the corner.

“Oh, right.” He snapped his fingers and the moaning stopped. Dean looked to the corner Cas was still there in fetal position and still sweating in his boxers, out of breath but Dean knew it was over.

“Now if you really want your brother back, I know a special little someone who might be willing to help.” Dean could see that Gabriel know what he was talking about but didn’t fully trust him.

“Crowley hasn’t shown, what makes you think that any other monster out there would?” Dean gave Gabriel the evil eye part of him hoping that what Gabriel had to say was true.

 

 


End file.
